“Balk the enemy’s power; force him to reveal himself.” Sun Tzu

(this will take some rehearsal, but it will be totally worth it)

Step 1) During a live televised debate, while Trump is in mid-sentence, Jeb! slowly, painfully, dramatically turns toward Donald J. Trump and says, “is that a sexual euphemism?”. The twittersphere would start asking, “what did Trump say that Bush heard as a naughty innuendo, a filthy double entendre, a salacious foe paw? The press, who live and breath in Twitter ether, would pick it up and start asking the same question – “what perverted thing did Trump say that we missed that Jeb! got?” At the same time, live on stage, Trump would be, “wha? wtf? sexual euphemism? What kind of perverted mind do you have? euphemism? This Yale flunkie is using big words he doesn’t know the meaning of (translation: Trump doesn’t). etc.,” and the debate would continue because Trump will want to talk, talk, talk, talk… about himself.

Miss USA wins Miss Universe 2012
A handout picture provided by the Miss Universe Organization on 20 December 2012 shows the newly crowned Miss Universe 2012, Olivia Culpo (R), posing with US business magnate and Miss Universe organizer Donald Trump (L) during the press conference after the 2012 Miss Universe Competition in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, 19 December 2012. EPA/VALERIE MACON / MISS UNIVERSE ORGANIZATION

Step 2) An hour or so later, after the toss away “sexual euphemism” question had time to percolate in the partisans’ and pundits’ forever-questioning minds (with veiled tactical help from digital allies), when reporters finally have Jeb! cornered, at least ONE reporter will have to ask, “what sexual euphemism were you referring to, Governor Bush?” That’s when Jeb! gets Trumpesque and gives back cold what we’ve all been getting served piping hot for months.  Jeb! calmly lights up a political cheap shot fatty and takes a big, glowing hit of misdirection and spin like a boss:

“With all the scandals about women, his abusing them, the violence, the misogyny, the “beauty pageants” (Jeb! air quotes for emphasis), the bankruptcies, references to menstruation, shutting down the Internet – it’s hard to know what he means. Not even Al Gore knows what he means. He’ll kill entire families? Including grandparents and cousins? Just Muslim families or would he take out Mexican families, too? You know, it’s reported he’s a terrible cheater in golf. Uses the young boys like in Caddyshack. Just like in politics, he’s a hacker wannabe in a Rolls Royce golf cart. If he had to play an honest links game, Obama would humiliate him on the front and back nine – even his own casinos would give the President odds.  Okay – let’s call it a misunderstanding. But that’s the problem isn’t it?  Who can believe a word he says? (MIKE DROP – END INTERVIEW!).

Step 3) Jeb’s staff immediately supplies reporters with a five page list, single spaced and numbered just like a legal document so that reporters can reference the allegation easier, of all the lies he’s told that starts with a fucking “bone spur” in his fucking foot so he could get a fucking medical deferment – after already getting several education deferments to attend his daddy-payed-for private military prep school – so he wouldn’t be drafted to fight in Vietnam, the fucking pussyshit chickenhawk racist son-of-a-bitch. After denigrating a genuine war hero, a man who put his own life on the line in the skies of North Viet Nam fighting for his country, who made Americans proud in his conduct as a prisoner of war subject to inhuman tortue, Donald J. Trump would just as quickly leave his “buddies” in a rice paddy foxhole alone than even join the fucking U.S. Coast Guard. That’s our nation’s Republican Party today.  Tawdry.

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If an American only needs one reason why Hillary is more qualified to be President of the United States and Commander-In-Chief, it’s Trump.

Here’s where The Donald and I agree. The Republican candidates for president are piles of putrefying American bald eagle guano if they can’t take him out and certainly don’t deserve to be their party’s nominee. While tough-talking former federal prosecutor Christy can shout down a political enemy in a news conference, he’s still not a heavy-enough hitter to shut down The Donald. I call that false advertising. It’s nice to see Fiorina get in some jabs, but everyone and their mother knows the failed corporate titan/senate candidate is no match for a Clinton. Like them or hate them, Clintons eat up little trolls like her for lunch. Rubio? He can’t even show up much less get in the ring. Cruz? Straw man walking! Do I even have to describe Dr. Carson? Okay – political malpractice, for God’s sake. A Surgeon General appointment if he’s lucky. Nobody else counts except the most qualified – Senator Graham. There, I said it. He can’t win, but he’d be the best president of the Hardy Boys and girl.

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Donald J. Trump perched on a parrot sculpture in his Mar-a-Lago estate in May, 1996, by Brian Smith/Corbis.

No, Trump is going down uuuuuuuuuuuge but it won’t be by the Republicans. They don’t have a party left. Like so many badass rebel factions fighting al-Assad’s army, Republicans have plenty of guns but no real power, much less authority, to lead. Proof: they soundly criticize the Pentegon and the President and will debate bombing ISIS for two hours on cable TV, but can’t lift their index finger enough to vote in Congress to authorize the use of military force. Apparently, their responsibility hasn’t gotten out of committee, yet. That’s America’s definition of leadership? It’s like back-seat driving an Indy car – turn left, left, left. Go faster, faster, faster! Pit! Pit! Pit! 

hug from malia

I blame the Democrats. In specific, I blame Obama’s two campaigns against the Republicans that splintered them into fragments. This isn’t good for our nation’s political health. We are better with a viable two-party system that balances one another through compromise and patriotism. But, it’s the price we are paying for Democrats winning the White House.

It’s not like it doesn’t come with a few perks.

  • Osama bin Ladin is having caviar with Sponge Bob at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, for starters.
  • We aren’t in a global economic freefall. That’s something.
  • We argue tirelessly over how four Americans were murdered by terrorists in a distant outpost in North Africa instead of solemnly burying three thousands of our fellow citizens because we didn’t take a PDB titled “Bin Ladin Determined to Strike U.S” seriously enough.
  • We have an American automobile industry.
  • Nobody redecorated the White House in gold leaf. Yet.

That said, imagine if Romney were president and he had imposed on him (because even a Republican president can’t get bills through the Congress) Tea Party policies – again. War with somebody – anybody, really – and blithely carefree spending mostly made up of draconian social austerity and inflated defense budgets. Thank you, but no thank you – I’ll take my Obama medicine rather than catch neocon fever again. Clinton vs. Trump. It’ll be uuuuuuuuuuuuuge.

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Please note: Top photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images from SLATE article “On energy, Republican candidates sound a lot like Obama.” by Eric Holthaus.